You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
worst night to have a conscience
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
