if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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