I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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