It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
