Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
