Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
