my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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