:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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