on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
