VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
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im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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