I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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