Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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