dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
