Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
