Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
