The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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