i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME