I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
