I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize