You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.