Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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