I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
