im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
