I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
