her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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