Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
