is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
