you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
