My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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