i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
