I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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