I looked at my own cervix.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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