why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
