I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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