I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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