either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wanna passion pit in your ass
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
now i know why i became what i already was.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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