they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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