She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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