I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
