Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
