he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
