The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
