and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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