New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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