She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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