Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize