Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
