anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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