At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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