I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is classic penis vs brain.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
