Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
