So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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