your room smells of hookers.
And success
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
