sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
