I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
