someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
